My hope in sharing this, is that for those who would want to work with me, and who are ready I inspire them, and for those who are not ready to work with me, perhaps this may push you away, but it feels really good in writing this, and being completely authentic with my truth! Happy Reading, if you choose to! :-)
This journey has not been an easy one. I, as a practitioner, got into this work for many multifaceted reasons that spirit gave me a huge kick in the ass, and made sure I heard the message loud and clear. If I did not listen I do not know where I would be right now.
I stumbled upon this journey when I had a major accident back in 1994. I fell on my head in a mosh pit at a concert called Lollopalluza, that if it wasn't for some miracle of a person's hand grabbing my ankle, I may have been paralyzed. However, due to the fact that I had been a major athlete all throughout high school, my muscles were ripped from my head to my toes, and this fall alone, caused all of my muscles to tweak their direction, and my entire ribcage was tilted, my spine forced sideways almost causing a scoliosis effect, and my neck being unable to hold itself up straight and look forward without turning it on an angle towards my shoulder. I slept for one whole year in bed all night long, with my knees bent, buttocks on my heels and my head rested on the pillow. At the time, I had never heard of chiropractic. I had only been cracking my own spine whenever I felt the urge or the pain too difficult to sit with it. I did this cracking of my spine on my own for three years, until I returned home from living out in MO, and stumbled upon the journey of what my roommate at the time called the miracle chiropractic treatment. I had never been to a chiropractor before, and did not know anything about it. This then lead into the beginning of my spiritual healing journey, and my initial reason in starting it; my health.
My initial reason for starting my journey was to heal the intense and insane amount of pain in my back; mostly what I called grapefruit sized muscle knots that spasm-ed every hour or every half an hour uncontrollably without warning and with very few breaks in between. The original chiropractor I saw put my spine back in a normal alignment, however, with a normal alignment and the intense tightness that my muscles were carrying, my muscles had no idea of how to relax from the complete solid fascia, and the crooked place my rib cage and spine wanted to stay in. I later called this muscle spasm attack fibromyalgia. This muscle spasm adventure lasted about 3 years of excruciating pain, and 4 more years after that of medium pain, to two years after that mild pain, and as of the past 3 years, no pain except on very far and few occasions. Now it is manageable, and the most I need to go to the chiropractor is once every month or two. And believe it or not, chakra balancing meditations and tantra breathwork practices will often get rid of the pain and instead bring me bliss.
My conclusion as to why I had this pain in my body is not because of an accident at a concert, but because of a lifelong journey of child abuse that was energetically stored in my muscle tissues. If I had never had that accident, I may not have ever known that I needed to heal what had happened to me as a young girl, and the role I took on in order to survive.
After coming to a place of balance, or a manageable situation with my muscles, I then stumbled upon Tantra. This was the next level of my intense healing journey.
The Tantra path helped me to create deeper connection to a boyfriend I was with when I first discovered it. Then it helped me to really let him go after the relationship ended. Then the Tantra practices helped me to open up myself to polyamory or open relationships so I could enjoy many different types of people and release the fear of abandonment, and the jealousy and possessiveness that most monogamous relationships are stuck in. This lead me into taking on the role as a Sacred Sexual Healer and Dakini. The powerful Tantra practices also helped me to be open to letting go of any guilt I may have had for allowing myself to be intimate with more than one lover at a time. It was very helpful when dealing with a serious relationship that did not fulfill me in my desires or needs, but where the love was still there and the relationship wanted to continue, however, with letting go of any expectations that it would give me what I wanted. It also allowed me the ability to function when the current partner wanted space and needed to be on his own.
Once I began the Tantra path, a rape happened. This was a reminder that I had not completed the rapes that happened during my high school, and that perhaps the core underlying the rape was not about a physical violation, but more about an energetic violation from the parents who were supposed to have taken care of and offered me, a young child at the time, a level of love all children need and deserve. The Tantra path, EMDR in Psychotherapy and the Landmark Education program healed me completely of the rape. However, after all these years, a new layer of healing is needed; a long awaited journey of healing the wounds from severe child abuse; where a deep long term relationship with any other human being obviously distracts me from facing, as merging with another fulfills my need for love temporarily. However, the frustration of the abusive relationship only keeps me in the pattern of avoiding why I attracted them in the first place. Giving myself the love that I need, filling the void that has been attempted to be filled by those unable to love, and getting completely healed at the core with the abuse from my mom and grandmother and absence from my father is where the power lies. My journey is in becoming the parents I wish I had, and being powerful enough to end the family history of abuse, and be a stand to love my own child in a way I wish I was. This is now where I stand.
After returning home from the Sacred Sexual Healers Conference this past Oct. 2009, I realized the deep patterns that I had been living in all these years. I learned how to love others as my way of dealing with the lack of love I had received. I learned that by loving others, I got a small amount of love that my heart was aching for. I did not know I was living in this pattern for the past 20 years until the past 2 months. My ability to love is so powerful, yet I have never truly been loved myself. I realized that I sought out men who were so in need of love, that I deprived myself the opportunity to receive it. I tried loving the poison out of these men, as my desperate attempt to receive love, from people who obviously were completely incapable of giving it.
I have chosen to take a step back, and no longer enter the realm of relationship with another; taking a break and instead protect my own energy to where it once got distracted by merging with another. Most of those who have entered my life have been seriously abusive and unable of giving me love in return, and my desire is in no longer being someone's mother to nurture and take care of, but instead attracting someone who meets me at the same intensity of love that I have to offer. I have chosen to use my Tantra practice recently as a means of facing the deep pain of the abuse from my childhood, and re-enter therapy with a specialist who treats specifically adults who were abused as children. I am now writing my story; my wild, vivacious, entertaining and dramatic story of going from a healthy relationship in high school, to the past 5 seriously abusive relationships, the start of my spiritual journey and more recently, how Tantra has been a God send and a miracle for me in my Healing.
I am still offering these amazing sessions in Tantra, as I use Tantra as a tool for empowerment, love, and full body expression and bliss. This is the reason for my choosing to help others find a way to start a spiritual path. This journey of spiritual healing has been a savior to me on a million levels and I have a very wild, entertaining and powerful healing story to share. My hope is that in writing my story, I will continue the process of writing it, and in the end, have a book to publish!
Tantra is a path that gives us tools to heal ourselves, love ourselves and receive love from another. Tantra is Intimacy at its deepest level, and the more we face our dark sides in what it is we are struggling with and facing on the inside, the more our outside world receives the benefit. Tantra is a gift to life, and with the right knowledge and education in how to use it, can create miracles in yours. There is no greater form of healing than intimacy and love, and with the breath, we can move deeper into love and deeper into intimacy. Sometimes what we first think is our greatest fear, ends up being our greatest pleasure!
See my Intimacy Therapy, Intimacy Coaching, Hug Therapy, Tantra Shamanic Breathwork, Kundalini Awakening Breathwork, Awakening Tantra Consciousness and more Tantra practices on my professional website on the page Awaken To Bliss. These practices, in my opinion, are the most powerful, and have contributed to my own journey in the most profound ways!
My spiritual blog is here!
I'm also on facebook at www.facebook.com/asttartedeva
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